I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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