Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
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