my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
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The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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