My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
