Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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