miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
he high fived his dick after we had sex
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
