I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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