that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
