Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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