My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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