Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
