all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
