At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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