i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
