I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
