She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
