Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
well you can't waste a boner
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
