come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
