sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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