just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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