Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
