I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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