my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
