...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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