hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
