His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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