We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
