Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
