the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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