How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
