her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
