so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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