I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
