I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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