i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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