Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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