if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
