Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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