im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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