I will die if light touches me.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
