My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
