We named our party play list daddy issues
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
