I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
