dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
