The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Sorry my hands just texted you
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
