he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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