I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
