i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize