He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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