Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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