she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
