he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
