Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
