at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
