just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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