I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
