I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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