Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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