i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
we made out on top of his cat.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
