you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
