I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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