I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
