i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
