I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Two words: blizzard sex
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
