You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
