dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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