I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
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god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
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This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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