she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
