you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
