Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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